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Paul McCartney Is *STILL* Not Dead!

The Original ‘Paul Is Dead’ Conspiracy Theory Is Back!

Gee… THANKS, Internet! Once again, some of the absolute dumbest ideas ever shared by humans has emerged, thanks to the World Wide Web.  And this one actually began long before Facebook!

The whole thing was actually first given life by -gulp!- a Radio DJ!  In October of 1969, a Disc Jockey in Detroit took a call from a listener who told him all about the “Paul Is Dead” theory.  And it spread like wildfire.  In case you’ve never heard the FULL story, it goes something like this:

    First Clue:  The real Paul McCartney committed suicide in his car one day. Or crashed. Depends on who’s wearing the tinfoil hat that day.  (“He blew his mind out in a car…” -A Day In the Life). After the automobile mishap, the ACTUAL ‘Paul’ was replaced by a lookalike named ‘William’.  On “Sgt. Pepper” the lads aren’t saying “Billy Shear”… they’re saying “Billy’s Here”(Billy, as in ‘William’).   -OR- the other version of this one goes, the replacement was named William Shears Campbell, later shortened to ‘Billy Shears’.

     Second Clue:  George, John & Ringo all wear red carnations on the cover of “Magical Mystery Tour”.  Paul wears a black one because he’s, like, dead or something.

    Third Clue: On the cover of “Abbey Road,”  everyone is wearing shoes except Paul.  Because he’s dead.  And (get ready, it’s about to get deep in here) John is dressed as the Priest, George is dressed as a grave digger, and Ringo is wearing the clothes of an undertaker. Oh, and Paul is holding a cigarette in his right hand.  We all know the REAL Paul is left-handed.  And smokers NEVER use their other hand to hold their cigs, right?

…But! …But!

I know how stupid this all sounds!  And Paul himself has had a good time with the hoax.  He titled his 1993 Live Album “Paul Is Live”.  Because he’s, like, ALIVE or something!

The longest-running Conspiracy Theory goes like this:  True Believers of the ‘Paul Is Dead’ theory have suggested that McCartney had an argument with his Fellow Fabsters during a recording session in Nov. 1966.  Paul, the story goes, drove off angrily in his car, crashed, and was decapitated. To spare the Beatlemania-addled Public from grief, the surviving Beatles had him replaced with the winner of a McCartney look-alike contest.This scenario was facilitated by the Beatles’ recent retirement from live performances, and by their choosing to present themselves with a new image for their next album, “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”.

For some reason, this ridiculous hoax only gained steam as the internet and its accompanying Conspiracy Theorists get more popular.  The world is flat, the moon landing never happened… and Paul is dead.  It’s all so completely stupid that it might be best to let Chris Farley get to the bottom of it:

By the way, Chris Farley is really alive!  He just got tired of the headaches that come with fame, so he faked his own death.  He went into seclusion, lost 250 lbs. and kicked his drug habit.  He’s now working at a Texas radio station, and is calling himself ‘Tom Young‘!

Hey, one good conspiracy theory deserves another, right?

-Johnny


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